paranoid

today began my monthly dose of suffering: period cramps.
i was bored, i was in pain, i had an hour to spare, and i was ridiculously overemotional about everything. like most people in this situation, i scooped out some ice cream & turned on netflix.
i started watching how i met your mother at the episode where i left off last week: the episode where marshall's dad dies. so today there i was, sitting on the couch watching the funeral episode. the episode in which the theme of the eulogies is "last words".

okay, this is a bit of a subject change but i promise i'm going somewhere with it. bear with me.

theres a guy i really like.
hes always on my mind because i always want to talk to him.
i dont always, because i dont want to come off obsessive & crazy like i secretly kind of am.
i understand the value of personal space.
i need to make this clear: hes a keeper, guys.
i dont want to scare him off or be that clingy chick that texts him every day and asks about his every move. hell, i'm not that obsessive and crazy.
i just really, really like him.

it probably seems like my train of thought is actually like, seven trains merging tracks all at once.
thats accurate.

anyway, him. we've been texting each other a lot lately.
i have always considered it normal when texting people (especially those you are just getting to know) to go a day or two without talking; give it a little in-between time.
in my opinion, its healthy.
give it a little space. don't always text back promptly (you'll seem desperate).
keep the conversation going throughout the day by responding every hour or two. its a good system. its been a couple of days since i've experienced that little "day or two" gap i just mentioned. yesterday there was minimal conversation and today, nothing. today it was gap time.

i hadn't been too concerned about it until i was watching that episode of  How I Met Your Mother, during which i seriously started to reflect on my own life.
i thought about the people i've lost. and worse, the people I will eventually lose.
my best friend in a car accident in 2012. my own dad someday (please, please, please when he is old and gray and has lived a long wonderful healthy life).
like i said earlier, i was really sensitive emotionally (thanks, period).
so this little process of thought along with the sadness of the actual episode had me sobbing like an idiot.

i started thinking about him, because i can't help it. subconsciously, i connect everything i do, or hear, or say, back to him.
"oh, i have to tell him what just happened." "oh, that reminds me of him." "oh, i wonder how his day is going." ok, you get the picture.
i thought back to where our conversation had left off.
i answered a question of his last night & he never responded. i had just assumed he fell asleep.
but wait, it's almost 11pm. he never responded today either. usually he would have first thing this morning.

in my upset state, these thoughts led me to the realization that he easily could have died. or been injured. "oh, my god. what if he is dead." i literally couldn't handle that one. i got on facebook and went straight to his profile just to make sure that there were no posts on his wall like, confirming death or anything. i was so worried.

this was not the first time that has happened to me.


for a while there after losing my friend, whenever somebody was supposed to call me and they would forget or get sidetracked or for whatever innocent reason not call me, i would worry myself sick at the thought that something horrible had happened.

he's alive! i know because he poked me on facebook 3 minutes ago.
i don't understand the significance of poking, but im so glad for that one.
i feel completely reassured.

im past the worry i had for a moment. everything is fine, its just the gap.
i overdosed on midol, i have a belly full of ice cream, and i got proof that nothing tragic happened to him. #happy

this whole little situation was kind of an epiphany.

i noticed that i'm paranoid.

an intro.

hey there! i'm not sure how you stumbled upon this, assuming you did.
i'm telling you now, if you were expecting anything exciting this will be a huge disappointment. i've never ever blogged. or done anything like this. but i just made a whole entire google+ account for the sole purpose of creating a "safe place" to pretty much talk to myself & clear my head & whatnot. like sometimes i really just want to express all of the junk i keep up there but whenever i sit down to write it in a journal i end up doodling instead.
i didn't want to say this stuff on facebook, or twitter, or anywhere i knew people i know in real life would see it. im realizing that a better blog title would have been "selfish", because im not doing this for anyone but me. its not for entertainment. im not expecting anyone to ever see it. but if you are, and my rambling manages to have some sort of impact on you, that'd be cool. i like the idea that something i write could influence someone.
truly, though. i don't intend for any of the people i know to ever see this. i feel like anyone reading this is some stranger visiting me in my house unannounced. this is the uncensored version of everything i think and feel that i need to spill.